that feeling

That feeling
the one where air seems to be loud
and the traffic is silent
when the utterance of hello from someone else's mouth feels exhausting
where minuscule life forces bring the unhappy feeling of beauty

That feeling
like a scar
that I just want to rip open with my bare hands
to let it flow like hot red steamy blood
fresh and loving
Just to let it hug me like a soft gentle friend

But this feeling
raw and painful
allows the traffic to be loud
surrounds me with amazing beauty of its own awful sort
doesn't allow me to hug it, I just swallows me whole
making me blind to the beautiful suffrage that my soul so loves and craves

This feeling
not wanted and lonely at times
leaving me vulnerable
and open to that world that loves to showcase its greatness
I see no greatness just lies and cheats
cheap knock offs of what life truly is

That life
that one that is nothing but loud
in your face
staining your vision red
making you numb
and blessing you with it's feeling
you know? that feeling

I crave you
find me old friend

I don't like life......

Sketches

It feels so good to have images from my mind to make it onto paper finally.  I think creatively all day long and I finally got two things out.  I lost confidence in my paintings and drawing, not to mention myself,  a while back and I was finally able to draw again.  I feel so thankful that my mind is working the way it is supposed to be now.  I feel more and more like me each day and I wouldn't trade that for anyone or anything.  I am SimplyMEnotyou.

Standing in my own way?

     So I realized something recently.  Enable to be happy I have to let myself be happy.  Otherwise what am I working toward?  There wouldn't be a point to anything if I didn't actively try to be happy and actually mean it.  Taking naps all day and semi socializing isn't going to help me move on.  It has been over 2 months I believe since IT happened and I should be letting myself be happy by now.  Life is way to short to drown myself in sorrow over something that I look back on and think is stupid.  Sure I don't like talking about it and hearing people tell me I was wrong or the famous I told you so, but that shouldn't matter because it is my life in the end and I make my own choices.

I have to let myself be happy because I am SimplyMEnotyou and I want to be happy. Therefore I will be and no one can stop me.

SimplyMEnotyou, set me free

Although the easier, brighter, supposedly happier choice is standing right in front of me I still feel stuck in the moment.  Wanting to float away into my future but can’t feel but weighted down.  Please cut my string and allow me to fly.  I don’t like being connected to you and what you remind me of.  Life looks so beautiful even though I’m closer to the ground, but man I crave what I can’t see.  I want to feel the breeze take me whenever, wherever.  To let it wrap itself around me and push me to a destiny that I can’t possibly see from here.  All I see from here are dark clouds that insist on raining on the parade in my soul.  Please I beg you to cut me free and let me be what I was meant to be, who I want to be just SImplyMEnotyou!!!

Two Face

It's been awhile but o well.

I have discovered something that I have never felt before.  I feel happy and like myself more and more, but when it comes to physical relationships with people I don't feel anything.  I feel nervous and have butterflies but when he kisses me I feel numb.  I do get sparks that cut in and out but mostly numbness.  Am I not allowing myself to feel anything? What because I don't have the "title"?  Or that I know that it wouldn't last even if I had a "title"?

I care for you so much but I feel like this stupid transition in my life has messed me up so much that I can't even kiss you and feel like I should.  It is so hard to go from having someone rejecting you to having someone want you so much they can hardly stand it.  How do I just let someone love me when I don't feel like I'm worth loving? like I'm not anything special, although you say differently.  Again you say all the perfect things to me and you make me want to love you the way you say that you love me, but I'm just me.  I can't help but think I'm setting myself up for failure, as if there is already something wrong with me.

  I hate feeling like there could be possibly anything wrong with me.  I want to feel confident in myself and in the things that I am doing in my life.  I finally have started to feel a lot better since IT happened.  I can't even credit that to myself either.  You make me feel like myself more and more each day and you are always there for me when I need someone to drag me up off the floor.  It is completely unfair for me to feel this way when you are perfect.  You understand me and the one thing that you don't understand you try to understand and respect me for being different.  Who gets lucky with that kind of person.  Not ME!  never me!  Life could be great for us, I admit that but it would be short lived.  You are amazing and my gosh I can't stop thinking about you but I don't want to lose you.  Not now, not ever.  That is why I am doing it this way.  I care far too much to just give up on having you in my life.

Maybe I'm just too scared to let anyone in.  I certainly don't want to be hurt.  I fear looking up into your eyes and remembering it forever.  Remembering being happy and feeling like you loved me, then one day I'll just be left behind.  I don't want to be vulnerable.  If I let myself be vulnerable then that means everything that I have been pushing away for months will make its way back into my memory and the flashbacks will get worse.  The last time I looked at that person's eyes thinking he really doesn't love me anymore.  I don't want to see that when I look at you.  That is why it is really hard to look at you when our noses touch.  I don't want to look up at what I fear the most.

I am SimplyMEnotyou, although I want you.

The influence of others

     I really love it when I have my good days.  What's weird though is that today should be seen as a disaster but somehow I am still positive and I feel great.  There is no feeling greater in the world than feeling good about life.  So for the first time in forever I went to FHE.  Man I loved it!  We are learning dances for the Luau fundraiser in June.  I can't wait.  Only problem is that I need to start going to FHE every Monday haha I always forget to go and then I get asked the famous question, "Where were you Monday".  I should really set a reminder in my phone or something. I had a lot of fun. Taccy and I had a lot of fun dancing and we even broke out in our own little dances once in a while.  Also there were tons of people there from my ward.  I just love the atmosphere of being around people who understand me.  They have the same beliefs and I don't have to worry about people asking me questions of why I'm LDS.  They just get it.

     My ward family has helped me out so much within these last couple of months.  I don't know what I would have done if people didn't reach out to me when I needed them to.  Sometimes when your feeling like I do, depressed most days, it can feel like no one really cares about you or knows what your going through.  I know that isn't true.  I have a lot of people who care about me and want the best for me and I'm so glad that I have this support system in my life.  It is kind of funny, but there has always been someone to text when I wasn't having a good day, to get a blessing from, to show me their testimony of Christ and the atonement, to give me comfort whenever needed, to just love me for me and nothing more.  No matter what happens there is always going to be someone out there who loves you and will always be there for you.  I didn't know it but I had a lot more than I had originally thought.  I can't stress enough of how God will always be there for you and He will send his servants to be there in your life when you need them the most.  I love my Heavenly Father very much and I am so blessed to have people around me who have faith enough in Him to follow His promptings and to help me in my time of need.  I am forever grateful to those who have helped me through what I am going through.  It truly is a hard transition in my life but somehow there are just the right people to help me in my life right now and that is no coincidence.  I am SimplyMenotyou but I'm thankful you are around anyway.  I love you all and thank you. :)

It just wouldn't be fair

There are times in life when even though someone is saying all the right things to you and is completely respectful in every way, but you just can't hear it the way you want to.  In my head I heard you are not worth it.

 I am not worth it.....

 When someone as me suffers and can't understand why anyone would love them.... that just isn't fair.  Life isn't supposed to be about making sacrifices your own life to be with someone.  There shouldn't have to be things that you would have to risk.  You should be similar enough to where important topics like religion and other things wouldn't have to be a huge conversation.  Having someone tell you tell I love you but I understand what your going through so it is up to you with what you wanna do.  WTHECK is that! You don't leave important potential life changing decisions up to people who suffer like me.  This is exactly what I didn't want to worry about right now.  I just wanted to have fun and feel the genuine caring of another.  Is that really so hard?

I have known you for eight years.  I think your amazing, you say all the right things, you are respectful of my boundaries and what I believe, you say that you love me, you always make me smile, you make me happier than any person has, your hilarious...... but it wouldn't be fair

It wouldn't be fair to give you all I am and not who that was.  It wouldn't be fair to always to be feeling like I want to give up in life.  It wouldn't be fair to say that I'm okay when I'm not.  It wouldn't be fair to commit to you when I can't commit to me.  It wouldn't be fair to give you something that not even I deserve.  It wouldn't be fair to think that I''m not worth dating and to never feel like I'm good enough for you.  It wouldn't be fair to have you constantly have to try to make me happy because one day it just won't work.  It wouldn't be fair to tell you that I love you when I can't love you they way you love me.

I just can't.  I'm not worth it right now.  I want to  find who I am in life and I can't do that hiding behind a relationship.  I'm not okay and I shouldn't have to worry about this right now.