It just wouldn't be fair

There are times in life when even though someone is saying all the right things to you and is completely respectful in every way, but you just can't hear it the way you want to.  In my head I heard you are not worth it.

 I am not worth it.....

 When someone as me suffers and can't understand why anyone would love them.... that just isn't fair.  Life isn't supposed to be about making sacrifices your own life to be with someone.  There shouldn't have to be things that you would have to risk.  You should be similar enough to where important topics like religion and other things wouldn't have to be a huge conversation.  Having someone tell you tell I love you but I understand what your going through so it is up to you with what you wanna do.  WTHECK is that! You don't leave important potential life changing decisions up to people who suffer like me.  This is exactly what I didn't want to worry about right now.  I just wanted to have fun and feel the genuine caring of another.  Is that really so hard?

I have known you for eight years.  I think your amazing, you say all the right things, you are respectful of my boundaries and what I believe, you say that you love me, you always make me smile, you make me happier than any person has, your hilarious...... but it wouldn't be fair

It wouldn't be fair to give you all I am and not who that was.  It wouldn't be fair to always to be feeling like I want to give up in life.  It wouldn't be fair to say that I'm okay when I'm not.  It wouldn't be fair to commit to you when I can't commit to me.  It wouldn't be fair to give you something that not even I deserve.  It wouldn't be fair to think that I''m not worth dating and to never feel like I'm good enough for you.  It wouldn't be fair to have you constantly have to try to make me happy because one day it just won't work.  It wouldn't be fair to tell you that I love you when I can't love you they way you love me.

I just can't.  I'm not worth it right now.  I want to  find who I am in life and I can't do that hiding behind a relationship.  I'm not okay and I shouldn't have to worry about this right now.