Two Face

It's been awhile but o well.

I have discovered something that I have never felt before.  I feel happy and like myself more and more, but when it comes to physical relationships with people I don't feel anything.  I feel nervous and have butterflies but when he kisses me I feel numb.  I do get sparks that cut in and out but mostly numbness.  Am I not allowing myself to feel anything? What because I don't have the "title"?  Or that I know that it wouldn't last even if I had a "title"?

I care for you so much but I feel like this stupid transition in my life has messed me up so much that I can't even kiss you and feel like I should.  It is so hard to go from having someone rejecting you to having someone want you so much they can hardly stand it.  How do I just let someone love me when I don't feel like I'm worth loving? like I'm not anything special, although you say differently.  Again you say all the perfect things to me and you make me want to love you the way you say that you love me, but I'm just me.  I can't help but think I'm setting myself up for failure, as if there is already something wrong with me.

  I hate feeling like there could be possibly anything wrong with me.  I want to feel confident in myself and in the things that I am doing in my life.  I finally have started to feel a lot better since IT happened.  I can't even credit that to myself either.  You make me feel like myself more and more each day and you are always there for me when I need someone to drag me up off the floor.  It is completely unfair for me to feel this way when you are perfect.  You understand me and the one thing that you don't understand you try to understand and respect me for being different.  Who gets lucky with that kind of person.  Not ME!  never me!  Life could be great for us, I admit that but it would be short lived.  You are amazing and my gosh I can't stop thinking about you but I don't want to lose you.  Not now, not ever.  That is why I am doing it this way.  I care far too much to just give up on having you in my life.

Maybe I'm just too scared to let anyone in.  I certainly don't want to be hurt.  I fear looking up into your eyes and remembering it forever.  Remembering being happy and feeling like you loved me, then one day I'll just be left behind.  I don't want to be vulnerable.  If I let myself be vulnerable then that means everything that I have been pushing away for months will make its way back into my memory and the flashbacks will get worse.  The last time I looked at that person's eyes thinking he really doesn't love me anymore.  I don't want to see that when I look at you.  That is why it is really hard to look at you when our noses touch.  I don't want to look up at what I fear the most.

I am SimplyMEnotyou, although I want you.