that feeling

That feeling
the one where air seems to be loud
and the traffic is silent
when the utterance of hello from someone else's mouth feels exhausting
where minuscule life forces bring the unhappy feeling of beauty

That feeling
like a scar
that I just want to rip open with my bare hands
to let it flow like hot red steamy blood
fresh and loving
Just to let it hug me like a soft gentle friend

But this feeling
raw and painful
allows the traffic to be loud
surrounds me with amazing beauty of its own awful sort
doesn't allow me to hug it, I just swallows me whole
making me blind to the beautiful suffrage that my soul so loves and craves

This feeling
not wanted and lonely at times
leaving me vulnerable
and open to that world that loves to showcase its greatness
I see no greatness just lies and cheats
cheap knock offs of what life truly is

That life
that one that is nothing but loud
in your face
staining your vision red
making you numb
and blessing you with it's feeling
you know? that feeling

I crave you
find me old friend

I don't like life......

Sketches

It feels so good to have images from my mind to make it onto paper finally.  I think creatively all day long and I finally got two things out.  I lost confidence in my paintings and drawing, not to mention myself,  a while back and I was finally able to draw again.  I feel so thankful that my mind is working the way it is supposed to be now.  I feel more and more like me each day and I wouldn't trade that for anyone or anything.  I am SimplyMEnotyou.

Standing in my own way?

     So I realized something recently.  Enable to be happy I have to let myself be happy.  Otherwise what am I working toward?  There wouldn't be a point to anything if I didn't actively try to be happy and actually mean it.  Taking naps all day and semi socializing isn't going to help me move on.  It has been over 2 months I believe since IT happened and I should be letting myself be happy by now.  Life is way to short to drown myself in sorrow over something that I look back on and think is stupid.  Sure I don't like talking about it and hearing people tell me I was wrong or the famous I told you so, but that shouldn't matter because it is my life in the end and I make my own choices.

I have to let myself be happy because I am SimplyMEnotyou and I want to be happy. Therefore I will be and no one can stop me.

SimplyMEnotyou, set me free

Although the easier, brighter, supposedly happier choice is standing right in front of me I still feel stuck in the moment.  Wanting to float away into my future but can’t feel but weighted down.  Please cut my string and allow me to fly.  I don’t like being connected to you and what you remind me of.  Life looks so beautiful even though I’m closer to the ground, but man I crave what I can’t see.  I want to feel the breeze take me whenever, wherever.  To let it wrap itself around me and push me to a destiny that I can’t possibly see from here.  All I see from here are dark clouds that insist on raining on the parade in my soul.  Please I beg you to cut me free and let me be what I was meant to be, who I want to be just SImplyMEnotyou!!!

Two Face

It's been awhile but o well.

I have discovered something that I have never felt before.  I feel happy and like myself more and more, but when it comes to physical relationships with people I don't feel anything.  I feel nervous and have butterflies but when he kisses me I feel numb.  I do get sparks that cut in and out but mostly numbness.  Am I not allowing myself to feel anything? What because I don't have the "title"?  Or that I know that it wouldn't last even if I had a "title"?

I care for you so much but I feel like this stupid transition in my life has messed me up so much that I can't even kiss you and feel like I should.  It is so hard to go from having someone rejecting you to having someone want you so much they can hardly stand it.  How do I just let someone love me when I don't feel like I'm worth loving? like I'm not anything special, although you say differently.  Again you say all the perfect things to me and you make me want to love you the way you say that you love me, but I'm just me.  I can't help but think I'm setting myself up for failure, as if there is already something wrong with me.

  I hate feeling like there could be possibly anything wrong with me.  I want to feel confident in myself and in the things that I am doing in my life.  I finally have started to feel a lot better since IT happened.  I can't even credit that to myself either.  You make me feel like myself more and more each day and you are always there for me when I need someone to drag me up off the floor.  It is completely unfair for me to feel this way when you are perfect.  You understand me and the one thing that you don't understand you try to understand and respect me for being different.  Who gets lucky with that kind of person.  Not ME!  never me!  Life could be great for us, I admit that but it would be short lived.  You are amazing and my gosh I can't stop thinking about you but I don't want to lose you.  Not now, not ever.  That is why I am doing it this way.  I care far too much to just give up on having you in my life.

Maybe I'm just too scared to let anyone in.  I certainly don't want to be hurt.  I fear looking up into your eyes and remembering it forever.  Remembering being happy and feeling like you loved me, then one day I'll just be left behind.  I don't want to be vulnerable.  If I let myself be vulnerable then that means everything that I have been pushing away for months will make its way back into my memory and the flashbacks will get worse.  The last time I looked at that person's eyes thinking he really doesn't love me anymore.  I don't want to see that when I look at you.  That is why it is really hard to look at you when our noses touch.  I don't want to look up at what I fear the most.

I am SimplyMEnotyou, although I want you.

The influence of others

     I really love it when I have my good days.  What's weird though is that today should be seen as a disaster but somehow I am still positive and I feel great.  There is no feeling greater in the world than feeling good about life.  So for the first time in forever I went to FHE.  Man I loved it!  We are learning dances for the Luau fundraiser in June.  I can't wait.  Only problem is that I need to start going to FHE every Monday haha I always forget to go and then I get asked the famous question, "Where were you Monday".  I should really set a reminder in my phone or something. I had a lot of fun. Taccy and I had a lot of fun dancing and we even broke out in our own little dances once in a while.  Also there were tons of people there from my ward.  I just love the atmosphere of being around people who understand me.  They have the same beliefs and I don't have to worry about people asking me questions of why I'm LDS.  They just get it.

     My ward family has helped me out so much within these last couple of months.  I don't know what I would have done if people didn't reach out to me when I needed them to.  Sometimes when your feeling like I do, depressed most days, it can feel like no one really cares about you or knows what your going through.  I know that isn't true.  I have a lot of people who care about me and want the best for me and I'm so glad that I have this support system in my life.  It is kind of funny, but there has always been someone to text when I wasn't having a good day, to get a blessing from, to show me their testimony of Christ and the atonement, to give me comfort whenever needed, to just love me for me and nothing more.  No matter what happens there is always going to be someone out there who loves you and will always be there for you.  I didn't know it but I had a lot more than I had originally thought.  I can't stress enough of how God will always be there for you and He will send his servants to be there in your life when you need them the most.  I love my Heavenly Father very much and I am so blessed to have people around me who have faith enough in Him to follow His promptings and to help me in my time of need.  I am forever grateful to those who have helped me through what I am going through.  It truly is a hard transition in my life but somehow there are just the right people to help me in my life right now and that is no coincidence.  I am SimplyMenotyou but I'm thankful you are around anyway.  I love you all and thank you. :)

It just wouldn't be fair

There are times in life when even though someone is saying all the right things to you and is completely respectful in every way, but you just can't hear it the way you want to.  In my head I heard you are not worth it.

 I am not worth it.....

 When someone as me suffers and can't understand why anyone would love them.... that just isn't fair.  Life isn't supposed to be about making sacrifices your own life to be with someone.  There shouldn't have to be things that you would have to risk.  You should be similar enough to where important topics like religion and other things wouldn't have to be a huge conversation.  Having someone tell you tell I love you but I understand what your going through so it is up to you with what you wanna do.  WTHECK is that! You don't leave important potential life changing decisions up to people who suffer like me.  This is exactly what I didn't want to worry about right now.  I just wanted to have fun and feel the genuine caring of another.  Is that really so hard?

I have known you for eight years.  I think your amazing, you say all the right things, you are respectful of my boundaries and what I believe, you say that you love me, you always make me smile, you make me happier than any person has, your hilarious...... but it wouldn't be fair

It wouldn't be fair to give you all I am and not who that was.  It wouldn't be fair to always to be feeling like I want to give up in life.  It wouldn't be fair to say that I'm okay when I'm not.  It wouldn't be fair to commit to you when I can't commit to me.  It wouldn't be fair to give you something that not even I deserve.  It wouldn't be fair to think that I''m not worth dating and to never feel like I'm good enough for you.  It wouldn't be fair to have you constantly have to try to make me happy because one day it just won't work.  It wouldn't be fair to tell you that I love you when I can't love you they way you love me.

I just can't.  I'm not worth it right now.  I want to  find who I am in life and I can't do that hiding behind a relationship.  I'm not okay and I shouldn't have to worry about this right now.

Life friend :)

      Today was just one of those days....nothing worked out.  Not even my nap fixed my attitude because i woke up with a huge headache.  I woke up not feeling well, my first class was cancelled, my second class was horrible because there was a quiz on the only chapter in stats that I haven't understood so far, I also was having stomach issues during class, then i came home to take a nap and ended up waking up with a headache and back pain, had an upset stomach the rest of the night, had to cancelled plans with my bet friend and I miss a church activity.

The list could go on!!

I am having a horrible day but thank goodness it is almost over.  Even though today was horrible and I had to cancel plans with my best friend, he was there for me the entire day.  He never stopped trying to cheer me up and kept offering to help.  This kid I have known for over 8 years now!  Wow that seems a lot longer out loud haha  He has been nothing but awesome.  Even though he is a metal head and puts out a semi tough image he is one of the sweetest guys that I know.  He has always cared for me when I needed him and especially now when my life seemed to be falling apart, he has seem to help me get back on my feet.  He just makes me feel so good about myself and is always so uplifting.  He is such a wonderful person and even though we just started talking again after a long period of time, (He was making bad choices that I didn't agree with so we split ways.  He is back at home though and moving on with his life as well.)  he is still and always will be my best friend.  I really don't know what I would do without him.

As of right now this is the only picture I have of the two of us on my laptop but it is one of my favorites so it works.  :)

I found more hehe

General Conference.... (Warning! Religious content)

     I don't know what is was today but watching general conference was really hard.  For anyone who doesn't know what General conference it is a biannual conference that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has world wide.  This year I watched it on my laptop at home.  I thought that there were some talks that were really great and I connected to, but man the last session I just wanted to stop watching and sleep.  Maybe it was just the fact that I was tired but come on!  I should be doing better than this!  I had promised myself that this weekend I would try to start my old habits of reading my scriptures and praying every night and that I would do my best to be in tune with the spirit but I didn't feel much of anything during conference today.  I felt something yesterday and I took notes today and yesterday.  I don't know what's wrong with me.

     Yes I have realized that I have not been doing the spiritual activities that I have needed to for over a month now, but I thought I would feel something today.  It is Sunday for goodness sake...what makes it worse is that it is JC's birthday and I didn't even know it!  I feel like such a bad Mormon right now.  I'm sure when I read them in a few weeks it will be easier for me to relate.  I learn more when I read rather than pure lecture so that could be another reason.

I think what upsets me the most is that this church and my faith is how I identify myself the most.  I can talk for long periods of time about it and my testimony in certain things, but I am not keeping up with my spiritual activities that are supposed to help me keep my faith and testimony.  It makes me feel like a hypocrite.  I go to church every Sunday and talk with other members and take the sacrament but it just isn't enough.  I want to feel the Holy Ghost and all the blessings that come with it, including peace and comfort.  Just after what happened a few months ago it had been really hard to feel motivated about much of anything besides sleep.  I don't feel bitter of what happened, but I need to move past it because the incident shouldn't define who I am.  My actions in this case are starting to define who I can become if I don't start to become fully active in my faith again.  Well, I kind of started last night but you get it.  I am a proud Mormon and I am SImplyMEnotyou.

Makeup or not?

     I was having a good day until I got home.  I did my makeup tonight and at first I thought, "Man I look sexy!"  IT felt like a huge self esteem booster.  I had successfully done the winged looked which I haven't been able to do since high school and I felt great about it.  I felt like for once I had made some kind of effort to look nice and have fun in public.  Now this may be an everyday thing for everyone but not me, it used to be me but not anymore.  I don't really wear makeup anymore.  It tends to feel more like a chore unless I really want to do something with my face.  For some reason I didn't feel like it was really worth it.  When I came home after going to the movies with a friend I just couldn't help but ask the question, "Is this really me?", "Do I want to look like this all the time?, "If I put a face on every day will people only see that, the face I put on and not me?" Sometimes it can be hard for people to look past makeup.  I mean even today I saw a post on Tumblr of before and after pictures of girls who were wearing makeup.  It was almost like they were ashamed of themselves and had to use "makeup magic" enable to feel better about themselves.  They looked dramatically different to the point that you wouldn't even recognize them if you saw them without makeup on walking down the street.  Why is that?  Do we live in a society today that doesn't allow people to feel good about themselves?  I have seen many speeches about the subject of media molding girls into thinking that they need to be a certain way and I do believe it plays a part in the question of why we feel this way.  Are there other reasons though.  Why should a woman feel like she has to impress anyone but herself?  Why should a person use makeup that covers their entire face and use bronzers to essentially reshape their faces?  Tonight even though I didn't use that much makeup (I only focus on my eyes and the occational powder) I still felt like it was an important question to ask, "Is this the face that I want people to see?"  My answer was no.  I don't want people to see me as my makeup.  I want to my kind of beautiful, and not what my teenage self would have considered beautiful.  I have changed so much over these last few years and my image of myself has changed.  I no longer wake up 2 hours before I leave for school, or anywhere for that matter, to do my hair and makeup.  I don't feel like it is important anymore.  I think what strikes me the most is that I felt like I was hiding behind the makeup.  I wanted to be seen, but not as someone who was simple.  I wanted to be seen as mysterious and interesting.  Makeup doesn't change who I am on the inside and I should know better than that.  Anyway, the makeup is off.  I may use makeup every now and then but it will better represent me and not what I think is cooler than me because I am SimpleMEnotyou.

Wow I feel a lot better.  For anyone who is struggling with image please don't be ashamed of yourself because it isn't what is on the outside that makes your beautiful, it is just SimplyYOU that makes YOU beautiful.

Before with makeup

With no makeup

this is an older picture but it was the best close up picture with no makeup I got haha

2 days oops

     Hey there fellow humans.  It might be weird that I'm writing about yesterday but oh well.  So I had a really awesome day yesterday. It may have started out with a stupid midterm but it ended just feeling peaceful.  After my midterm I rushed off to my second school of the day to a CSUF Next Steps Workshop.  I was just a few minutes late but I am really happy that I went.  The information was very helpful and confirmed that I will be in debt for a long time. haha That is just college life though.  It will be worth it in the end though when I had my beautiful career and am shaping the minds of the future adults of America.  Oh also I saw one of my friends from school there that I haven't seen in such a long time.  Turns out he applied for CSUF for spring but didn't make it to it being so impacted but he made it for fall so I'm excited that I won't be alone when I go there.  Not sure if I will run into him but it will still be comforting to know he is going there.  Wow that sounds weird but I'm sure someone gets it.
     Honestly, I can't wait to move on CSUF. It has been my dream for so long now and I can nearly touch it.  I'm almost there!  I'm the first in my family to be graduating community college with an AA in anything!  I feel like I am making my parents really proud to be going to Cal State now.  It is funny because my dad says , "It makes me so happy that you are graduating from community college.  You know you are the first one in this family to be getting a degree, let alone just attending college with some sort of direction.  I get to brag to everyone that my daughter is actually going somewhere in life that she will be happy and successful."  I'm guessing that means proud. haha It is going to be amazing when I finally graduate with my  BA.  I will finally feel like I have done something with my life and can move on from my childhood life haha

Moving on...

The next part of my involved school mostly but there was one moment when I realized "Wow I'm actually happy right now."  It was when I was driving to my second school and I was pumping my new Christina Perri CD and I was totally dancing in my car.  Don't worry I was at a red light haha  The cool thing was that in this moment I didn't care what others thought of me and I was going all out, clapping and all.  The cool part is that for a moment I had looked over to the car next to me and there was a guy staring at me like "um okay" and he smiled at me.  Of course I started dancing even more and he JOINED me!  How awesome is that!  Being in a city that usually making eye contact with someone while in your car at a red light is usually seen as weird and uncomfortable, here I was totally dancing with this guy and creating good, fun memories.  I'm sure he had a good time as well, which is great.  There can be the smallest moments where you just stop caring about the negativity in your life and amazing things happen.  I feels good to know that I am indeed moving on and rediscovering myself.  Before what happened I would do stuff like this all the time.  Maybe that is why this moment is sort of special to me.  I feel like me.  I'm starting not to care about what others think about my actions.  I am SimplMEnotyou and that feels so lifting right now.  The more I don't care the better I am for it.




Let's Move onto today shall we?  It will be short don't worry.

So my dad today has decided to start working in the second half of the kitchen, so everything is demolished and the house is being torn apart due to plumping and other fancy things.  It is times like these that bring me back to my childhood.  The smells, sweet sweet smells.  All my life my dad has been working on our house and others.  So now whenever I walk into a room and new carpet has just been put in it smells like heaven and home to me.  Sometimes I get a little weird and just stand on the carpet bare footed, even if it isn't my house, and just rub my toes through the new carpet.  Weird I know but it was my childhood so I find it weird when people don't appreciate new carpet haha  Anyway right now the house smells  like sawdust and open air since all the windows are open.  Moment of the day so  far is when my grandpa told me to watch my step because I was barefooted in the working zone where there are nails and wood chips on  the floor as well as tools.  It made me laugh on the inside because this has been my life growing up.  I know to be careful but it has also become second nature.  I still enjoy it though.  The thought that they still see me as little haha funny men.

Christina Perri

This sums up everything that I have been feeling for the past month and a half.  It is a great depiction of what it feels like to move on from something that is tragic and I believe that this is a beautiful message that everyone deserves to hear.

Btw her new album was released today and I highly recommend buying it or at least checking it out on YouTube.  She has a lot, if not most, of her new album on YouTube for free.  She has an amazing way of depicting emotion that is so raw and genuine.  Her songs aren't about sex or just love itself which is what music today is about.  Her songs talk about consequences, moving on, and just things that every day folk would easily relate to.  I know that for me I have a strong connection with her lyrics, especially from this song.  She is a very real and not overly conceded artist who has an amazing voice and a beautiful message.

dwindling creativity

This is freaking amazing.  I just found this and I am blown away by the creativity.  This is something that I wish I still had.  I might have thought about doing this a year ago but I have been very…..adult about my life.  I am guessing that would be the correct word to describe what suck the life and creative blood in me.  

This is definitely one part of me that I would love to have back.  I miss it so deeply.  I have painted within the last year.  Although the last one that I finished looked good and I was very proud of it, it felt forced.  I didn’t enjoy as much because of the fact I wasn’t happy with my life and the stress of everything was just way too hard.

New Goal: Find something that makes me happy and is also creative. 

One thing that I do have to admit is that while i was dating FORBIDDEN I did realize that I really enjoyed photography.  Right now I am saving up for my very first SLR Camera, meaning that you can have a body of a camera but many lenses.  I have been reading up on it and I think it is really something that I want to pursue.  I like that it gives me an opportunity to depict the world through the way I see it ever day.  I feel like lately I have had such a different perspective to life around me.  In that there are so many beautiful things that are around us all the time and they go under-appreciated.  I love the Earth that I live on and God’s beautiful creations, as well as man’s, and I want to show the beauty that I see in the simplest things that go unseen.  I probably won’t be able to afford anything until after summer.  I know I’m sad about it too but that is what it is like to have a really crappy paying job haha

The way they see me

“

I wonder what she dreams about?
Perhaps my arms that hold her tight?
Or the love that warms her heart?
Peaceful sleep till dawns new day

I will always keep watch over you
To keep you safe when you are scared

Before her sleep, she lies awake
With wonder and angelic thought
So much to learn in one lifetime
Hand in hand well walk for hours

When the water becomes to deep
Ill be the one who pulls you free

Your dreams Inspire me to be the best man I can be
To never let you down and make you proud of me
Someday youll be on your own
Memories will make you smile
Think back to those dreams to remember me

I wonder what she dreams about?
Perhaps my arms that hold her tight?
Or the love that warms her heart?
Peaceful sleep till dawns new day

I will always keep watch over you
To keep you safe when you are scared

”

—	-Keeya Javan It is amazing when someone can see the beauty that you can’t see in yourself. 3-26-2014

Miss

This is something that I wrote a couple months ago and I totally thought that I had lost it but I am so glad that I found it on here.  Funny thing is that it is in the last place that I would have ever expected it to be.  I am over joyed that I found it because this felt like it poured out of my soul.  Don’t worry about the time period, just enjoy it and the life it brings.

• "How does one not feel alone- when you’re not around 
  I will miss the soft caress of your dinosaur hands on my Cheek when I wake in the morning
• I will miss your shoulder that was broad just enough for me to perch my chin on as tears would trickle down my face
• I will miss the surprisingly gentle touch placed on my shoulder from behind reminding me you are there
• I will miss looking up at you while laying down and seeing that special glimmer in your eye that was filled with happiness and dreams for our future 
• I will miss looking at you from across the room and secretly wishing for you to look up and be surprised that I would be staring at the someone I have dreamt about for years 
• I will miss being your best friend that helped you concur your fears through countless hours of communication and at the end of it all hearing you speak in that tone of a new found relief and respect for life
• I will miss that beautiful rasp of your voice in the morning as you carefully wake me up even though you knew there was a 90% chance I would be grumpy
• I will miss my breasts being a place of comfort and safety when your were most troubled and or tired in life
• I will miss that smile that was born from confusion but filled with light and wonder undoubtedly caused by something weird I had done and that you accepted
• I will miss the opportunity to get a wif of your sweet smelly chest as i snuggle my face within your warm embrace
• But most importantly I will miss time
• The time to snuggle or hug or kiss or sleep 
• Time that until now was taken for granted
• I will miss time- your time my love”

Wow I can’t believe I thought I had lost this forever :)

SimplyMEnotyou

You

You made me smile

you convinced me you wanted forever 

you let it brew and brew

The butterflies in my stomach kept growing in numbers

until one day I had an army

I once fluttered for you

but now

Every time that I see your face the butterflies in my stomach die

Armies don’t die easily

I once fluttered for you, now all I breathe is death.

There are a lot things in this world that are not easy.  I personally feel like my life at this point in time is specifically not an easy thing to digest for me.  I was ready for my happily ever after and then everything changed and I went from a wonderland to feeling like I wasn't worth anything in this world, I lost my self esteem, and I had hit my brick wall in life.  I let someone determine who I was and that is not what I want in this life.  

The main part of this blog is to rediscover myself, to have fun, ad especially gain confidence in my potential and to NOT let anyone change who I am.  

I want to fill empowered by my own desires to do things and to make my own decisions that don't have a back burner of worry that I have to empress anyone.  I wish to feel good about myself and what I'm doing to better myself.  Life definitely isn't easy nor has it really ever been for me but I want to get past all this depressed crap and move on.  "It isn't the fall, but how you pick yourself up."  I seriously believe that real strength is better shown than keeping it to yourself.   You can't just feel strong and then when the time comes to stand up for yourself, what your believe in, your life choices, or anything else that makes you feel like YOU and then get walked all over.  You have to show that your strong and let other people know that you are doing just fine on your own. That your growing into someone that won't settle for anything less than what you deserve in this life and that you are indeed okay.  Although moving on is one of the hardest things to do I'm determined to make the best of my opportunity to just live and be free.

You may be asking yourself what has happened to me.  You don't need to know.  All that you need to know is that I am SimplyMEnotyou or anyone else for that matter.  I believe in myself and that I can make the world a better place for myself and others around me.

So a little bit about me?

• I'm a 20 something yr old
• I love my family and friends very dearly
• I am LDS.  (Don't know what that means?  Feel free to ask :) )
• I love indie music
• I read, paint, and draw.  Creativity is a specialty of mine.
• I go to school.
• My favorite color is purple
• I am an Aunty.

That basically sums it up but if I think of more I'm sure it will come up.